Welcome to my blog

There are days.        
There are days where I would like to not be me.
That I would like to be someone else, completely different.
I would not like to have my fears. Not to have my insecurities,
I would like to not be the way I am.
There are days I want to ask for help, because I don’t know how to live them,
Cause I don’t know what to do and what to stop doing.
There are days I want to be perfect, that I want to do everything right.
That I don’t want to make mistakes, stupidities, neither in big things.
There are days that hurt me, and I don’t want them to hurt, it bothers me that they hurt,
It makes me desperate; it irritates me, it makes me angry with me.
There are days I simply want to disappear for awhile,
Not being, not feeling, just disappear for awhile and come back as a blank page.
From scratch, no baggage, no weight.
There are days I wish I could scream all of this, take it out of my chest so
It would stop bothering me.
There are days.
And more days
Tears
I shed a tear
For every child who had to grow up in fear
I shed a tear
For every woman who fears another man
Coming near her
I shed a tear
For all men
Fighting the never-ending war again & again
I shed a tear
For every lost soul who doesn’t want to be found
I shed a tear
For those who cause of society feel bound
I shed a tear
For all the young men
Losing themselves trying to be “masculine”
I shed a tear
For all the young girls throwing up their dinner
So that maybe tomorrow they’ll be thinner
I shed another tear
Cause all of a sudden, the world seems so Damn unfair
And as I shed my last tear
The ceiling has become so clear
Now my worries have got me floating in my chair
My room filled with tears of sadness & despair
Now I just hope no one sheds another damn tear
For the misunderstood or this woman floating in a chair
I just hope they’ll take action or else well all
End up here
Drowning
In our own tears
.
-unknown
My Guardian Angel 
Who’d have thought that you’d leave us, So early,
Without saying goodbye.
I remember our last conversation, but who’d have thought,
That it was our last conversation?
That those words you said to me,
Would be the last ones?
That hug you gave me and squeezed me so tight would be the last one?
This place is no longer the same without you.
Without your laughter and your love for us. You may be gone,

But you will never be forgotten.
I will never forget all the fun we had you always made the special occasions the best, you always went all out for each holiday. Waking up for school to Easter baskets and valentine baskets, you always made sure we had It all. You called me muffin like it was my name and I swear I’ll never forget your voice while saying it. Everything about you is embedded in my mind, you left us to soon momma candace. I want to hear your contagious laugh, I want to dance all night with you and take too many red dragon shots, I would even go back to have another time out from you. Words will never describe the hurt that im feeling along with everyone else. I will miss you momma, please shine down on us.. for we will be looking at the sky more often than usual.
The memories of you will never fade away.
I will always remember you.
I love you so much, rest easy.

C.B
Dear stranger, September 20th ,2019
 I saw what you said. Not because I follow up with your website but because a really close friend that I still keep up with sent it to me. She sent me what you said about me. It really is sad. It is sad that in every situation, in your eyes, I’m a bad person and I was the only one who did anything wrong. You know what’s even more sad, the fact that you have to tear me down and make my life and my choices look awful to everyone else just to make you look better and make you look like the good guy. You have to say I’ve been hanging out with “fake friends” and “bad people” to make it look better that I decided to not be friends with you. You think that I went down the “wrong path” but if you really knew my life at all right now or me id have to let you know I’ve been thriving.
I’m finding my passion in life. I’m finding who I love whether it be friends who stick by my side or my soulmate. For the first time in my life, I know how I want to live my life. I know what I want to do with my life. I won’t let anyone ruin that. Those friends I apparently hangout with are real friends. Yes, they are my friend’s and we go out sometimes or go eat, but they know my life and they know I want to do most of the things they do. If your thinking I will end up unhappy or unsuccessful, don’t worry I have a lot more of a brain and common sense then you lead me on to have. I decided to not be friends with you anymore because I saw what a true friendship was. In my eyes, true friendship is being there for someone no matter what. It is sending them the occasional message of “hey how are you doing” and actually caring. True friendship is showing up when you know they need you. It is sending those texts of “are you ok” or “do you need anything” and meaning it in their time of need. Those gestures show me that you care.
You never did that. You claim that you’ve been there for me anytime I needed you.
Bullshit.
Where were you when my family passed away? Why weren’t you at one of the visitations? Why weren’t you at the funeral? Why weren’t you at my house even once to share that you were sorry about what had happened. Why weren’t you there for me when I needed you. Where were you when I was crying myself to sleep because of it all. Oh yeah. You were getting mad at me for not responding to your stories correctly that you’d send me. You are not a true friend and I know you never will be. Why? Because you can never see that you might actually be the bad guy. I’m proud of who I am. For once in my life, I stood up for myself and said everything I’ve been bottling up for a very long time. “you let me go” thanks. I’ve been waiting for you to do that.
Now… I’m free.
C.B
My eulogy to my beautiful stepmom
   July 13th, 1979 – September 8th , 2020
 I know you’re watching,
Hey mama,
I miss you.
I will never forget you and all the memories we shared, all the amazing long laughs we had. You are and always will be such an amazing mom. She was a vibrant soul, one who literally lit up a room whenever she entered. How many people in this world have it so much easier than our mom did? How many never had to face half the trouble she faced, and yet lose sight so easily of what is truly important. Many of us get distracted by insignificant things in life, many of us brood and focus on our little problems and forget that which is most important.
But through everything mom went through, she managed to keep her priorities straight. What can be more important than loving and showing your love for your family? How can some of us who are blessed with so much forget to be thankful, while somehow mom kept her faith through all her trials.
She was always making sure that us girls were always happy and smiling before she ever worried about herself, she fed everyone else before she fed herself. This woman has a legacy we will never forget, a smile so damn bright, candace, mama, you are and always will be in my heart, I will take your advice until I’m back with you again. Thank you for all your support and helping me with all my math equations I had no idea how to do, you are the reason I passed school, I will see you again someday.
Rest in paradise pretty mama.
I love you.

C.B
“You wanna know what living life to the fullest actually is?
Its waking up on a Monday with no complaints. Its knowing you always deserve to laugh. Its doing what feels right no matter how stupid you look.
its about being yourself, ’cause no one can tell you your doing it wrong.”

-unknown
Lost
Have you ever lost a best friend or someone you thought you would have in your life forever?
It was a process
a slow thing
with no warning signs,
like dying from a disease
so when I realized I was sick
it was to late.
u were gone.
C.B
Dear ex,
First of all, I want to say that I don’t regret spending years with you off and on. Yes, those years may have been difficult, but they taught me so much. I may have come out of the relationship a broken girl, but over time, it made me so much stronger. In fact, I can now safely say that you are the weak one. When you have experienced a bad day at work, and come home to your significant other, its natural to take it out on them. “hey the saying goes, we take things out on the ones we love most.” Yet, what I have come to realize is that these sayings in life, are often used to excuse unacceptable behavior. If someone loves you, they should never intentionally hurt you. Over those years, this played in my mind like a broken record. Yet just like the elastic band snaps back on my wrist after I pull it out when I feel anxious, you were able to pull out an excuse every time to make me come running back. Lets just have a look at some examples…
1)      “I’ve had a rough day and you got up in my face” – Okay so you had a stressful day, and we all experience them in life. However, you seemed to misunderstand that those who love you and care for you want to help. Me getting up in your face was merely an attempt to help. Instead of being met with emotional disclosure, another bruise was added to my arm.
2)      “ I’m just tired.” – I must be mistaken; I was always taught to use sleep as a solution for this. You weren’t too tired to use the energy to pin my wrists to my side whilst you shouted this in my face.
3)     “You don’t trust me, you’re crazy.” No, I don’t trust you. You are right. But you know what? Those late-night texts, the unexplained nights out, that lip chap in your room that you claimed belonged to your “ex before me”. Gives me reason to. Yet, as opposed to calming these thoughts and setting them straight, I feel like I’m the problem, like I’m overreacting, and yet another mark appears on my arms.
You know what? I am crazy. Crazy for thinking that was normal. I’m crazy for believing you when you said no one else would ever love me and I’m crazy for thinking that I was the problem.
To any girl out there currently stuck in a similar situation, listen to me. You are not alone, and you can do this. Hurting someone intentionally is not love. You will find someone who will leave marks on your heart, and not your skin. They will make you feel safe, not leave you wondering when he’s going to lash out next. Please do not think this is normality. Its abuse and it needs to stop.

C.B

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